Dining for One, mmmm humble pie.

Alright. The new semester charged with new classes, new people, new apartment, it's all very something. There is so much to learn in my classes for example, and soo much to read from scholarly journals and books. I am feeling a bit disorganized still, and find myself awaiting the day I have in my hand my very own ink cartridge and paper, and the list goes on...however, on the flip side I realize how I have been able to accomodate all of these needs. I am certain though, that I will be quite gleeful when I am driving my car again!

Growing up/dining for one/Humble pie eating: I guess at a certain point it began to hit me that my childhood is over, and that is sort of sad...so many years anticipating growing up, all of those "don't grow up too fast" sayers...Now, while making dinner it hits me in that way, and it also makes me smile because I am dining on my choice, and hey, I could even dress up if I wanted to! So, finding a balance as I grow up with this newfound sense of "dining for oneness/change from what I am used to" with making sure to eat some humble pie often enough, is what I am after.

For the record, in Everything is Illuminated, one of the character refers to it as eating a piece of humble pie, and I like it.

School, car, organization, and the overall "life" factor

Alright, so, I am back at school, and find myself getting frustrated at times when I feel like I am not finding a balance between theory and application. However, I realize the value of theory, particularly for political science as it allows me to really explore different realms and ideas for potential functionality of the system, and possibly how to effectively be involved in it.

Not having a car for the last couple of weeks had made me more aware of things like, I am overjoyed when after a walk, I make it to my apartment...usually with my car, I expect it. Also, a lot of people do not have cars, public transportation serves its purpose well, and I think if it were even more perfected like European systems, it would really fully serve the population. I mean, start one area or city at a time, but thing long term...yes it is hard to have legislation passed that will not see immediate results, but with the right program, right leadership, it could be really fantastic.

Organization without supplies? Ha, ha ha hah. I realized last night how disorganized I am for school, just waiting to be able to purchase supplies and resources, and I think some people have really limited resources and still go on to succeed, so again, I expect these things and have come to rely on them as tools.

I also realize, that my life without so many things I am used to, is amazing. I have been able to see different perspectives, and have realized how much I simply expect to have, without realizing how helpful and luxurious these things are...school texts, car.

My heart is just overwhelmed with how much I take for granted, and in this time how much God has watched out for me, and continued to guide me.

Hey, Gaela, I will post photos soon, =) How are classes, I mean in terms of interest and stuff?

School, Nelson Mandela, Today...

Ok, so I am beginning to realize that good things are worth fighting for. Madame Schwegler told me to fight for those good things, and this semester is gonna see a lot of my fists, or, actions emulating fists.

Today, began school, I sat in a classroom again, bewildered as I looked around and found myself in the middle of being disoriented to be back. So, I went to the library and checked out two books, one is Nelson Mandela's autobiography. Mandela was president of the African National Congress and won a Nobel Peace Prize, and much more...but I do not know all that much about him so I began to read his auto. I found a section that touched me and touched on how I feel to be back and how I have felt and have not been able to articulate all that clearly, he speaks of a different place, but move past that...

Pg. 84-85:
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. The great place went on as before, no different from when I had grown up there. But I realized that my own outlook and worldviews had evolved.

I still felt an inner conflict between my head and my heart. My heart told me that I was a Thembu, that I had been raised and sent to school so that I could play a special role in perpetuatung the kingship...

..In my language there is a saying: Ndiwelimilambo enamagama(I have crossed famous rivers). It means that one has travelled a great distance, that one has has wide experience and gained some wisdom from it...But I had many rivers yet to cross..."


So, I concur with Mr. Mandela, and I am blessed to be able to share how I feel in this space, and with close friends. Tonight I met up again with some of those close friends and I just felt open and like I could be real about even the bitterness I still feel about being back sometimes.

I see a lot of what would be called "problems" in my life and family right now and I just reiterate how much I love you mom and am behind you in every way I can be. As for me, I am trying to find the balance of the above feelings, and new mindset with all of the amazing wonderful things and people I have in my life. I will now eat some popcorn, and will wrap some blankets around me. =)

Oh Please, you and I both know I am a phenomenal dancer

Well, yeah.
Ok, so moving day approaches. I am excited and really just blown away by how uncertain so many things are each semester. I mean, part of me thinks, crap for all of these years you have been living under the assumption that you are oh so reserved and never take risks, and bleh bleh, well HELLO. I need to be a bit more honest with myself, so, let it begin.

I LoVe dancing, secretly I wish I were really good at the robot, no...really. I like smiling, in fact, I love being happy, sometimes I feel like everyone is used to or expects a little bit less or different of me, so I just go with that. Before I get to work, I am usually singing at the top of my lungs, or thinking at the top. I also realized that I love being able to be around people who don't judge and know it is not ok to judge me or whatever...I should be, and am smart enough to judge myself when necessary...ohhh and it is so comforting to have FUN and be able to be silly or whatever is required with friends. Yup. So, please, you and I both know I am a phenomenal dancer.

Gaela, I would really enjoy a visit from you two, I always thought what a shame it did not happen before, but especially now, and I mean why not now? =)

Kira

The Car...but ughhhh mostly, the woman who drives it.

So, my car, maybe because it was so tired of toting me around with so much negative or judgemental, or pessimistic energy, turned on its check engine light on the driveway. I am not sure exactly what is wrong, but I suspect nothing a little poetry, bottle of wine, and flowers cannot fix. Har har. Ok really, don't know.

But Gaela, how crazy cool was that to see eachother, and then hug in the middle of the street, super death defying! I should be asking you the same thing then, well, not exactly the same, how is your apartment doing? Pay no attention to where I blamed me for my car, toilets have no loyalty Gaela, none at all, you could sweet talk that thing into oblivion and no luck. Ok, enough of that =)

Agggh, moving next week, still going really crazy insane in my head as I think about all of the things I am about to get myself into again, marching band, the pop and lock team, karaoke...ok ha ha, ha ha ha. No not really, but a lot of new things again, and while it is all very exciting, I am hoping that my car will want to be my sidekick again soon. =)

I am getting a little bit burned out at work, I just feel like bringing a reclining chair and shooing customers away while I nap. I feel bad sometimes because I get ahead of the time, and do not devote my time there to them...I guess I just really get frustrated lately when I feel like they come in with a sense like I owe it to them to be there, and to listen to their problems, or that I owe it to them as a rep of the company to listen to complaints. ----Please keep in mind that there are some people that come in and are so great, and see it as a human interaction, not blonde robot to take in their orders and such...human interactionists-you rock.

Hmm, so apparently I had a little pent up anger about work. Huh, who knew. Ok, lovely to not just bury these things! Yes!

Gaela, Gaela, until I see you struttin down J street again... ;)

Kira

Ahh.

Ok, so in a way it is really healing to have an empty space to write in. For some reason it is even more so than opening a blank journal. I really don't know why, I only know that not writing on here when I want to is weird...

I travelled around, and now here I am, back at home. So, for a while I did not even want to write, because I felt like I went from mega exploring woman to daily task singleton in Sacramento. I get it, we are who we make ourselves to be, and I sure as heck know I judge myself pretty strictly...but wow this coming back and trying to fit back into my old spot thing is really bizarre. I thought there I was the silly American woman, and now I am back and I am going through the motions, but it is a slow ease back...if I could say it is easing.

I have noticed my mood is really off, and I miss so many things...I am here again though, and I have so much that I am sprinting towards with graduation looming. I just appreciate non judgemental love and support right now, because believe me, me myself and I do plenty of judging.

I sort or feel like saying "crap crap crap" repeatedly to express in my head how I am untangling my thoughts about my future and about the state of the world, and about my car, and life, and blah diddee blah blah.

Ok, writing was good, very good.