...Seeds and New Life...

-Growth-

Literal growth in my windowsill this morning made me smile. I recognized how gratifying it is to plant a seed, have nurtured it, and see its growth. Even though I forgot to water the seeds for a couple of days, they were forgiving and sprouted. I felt so proud... to have believed in the potential of the still seeds as they had laid in my hand...and today to have been shown the outcome. Tomatoes...Basil...Lavender. While this is but part of a garden project between my sister and I, it was an inspiring part, and so humbling.
Little seeds, little egg carton, giant illuminating sun and the still glass between,
Growth.
The power of believing in the seed you are planting, oh and the gratification and fortune of being able to see it grow.

Wanting, Being wanted, Not Wanting, Being Unwanted.

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Wanting: The desire to have something, be something. After making the realization, attempting, with or without a plan to attain the "thing."

Being Wanted: Some aspect of oneself or the entire self is desired by another for some purpose.

Not Wanting: Not desiring to have a certain something, or be a certain something.

Being Unwanted: Not being desired in part or entirety for the purpose at hand.

Having defined these things with some semblance of logic... I now digress to the realm of craziness.

What do I want? I want to be good at what I do and start doing it. I would love it if I could feel like the experiences that I have had thus far actually mattered to those who know about it or who peer down at my resume. I want to be in such good shape that I do not have to ever look at myself and be unhappy with what I see. I want to hurt when I read that another 76 people have been killed in Iraq...rather than being consumed with waiting to hear back from some guy skimming my life and deciding if I am worth the risk of a job. 76 people, MTV rolls on.

Every once in a while I hear back from something, and I am delighted and honored when I am mutually desired for the position.


I do not want to continue to lose precious idealism. I am so apathetic sometimes and I recognize the difference from the way I felt while in school to now. I heard criticisms from myself and from others but deep down I knew I could do absolutely anything, play a part in world hunger, helping the poor, being an advocate for love and peace. Now, I think I am really silent, really often and I am just moving everyday to some strange drum.


Unwanted. Well. What I have viewed as failures from being unwanted or rejected, cliche as it is, have made me stronger. I am so much tougher than I used to be. I have applied for so many things, had interview after interview, asked a man to be in a relationship with me, and was smacked and bruised up by a six foot wall... with responses like "No. Not now. Inexperienced. Thud." However, these things are hard on every part of me, my soul especially. Being unwanted for jobs, relationships, it's so negative sometimes.


Writing, I recognize how down this seems, but really it's just clarification for me so that I can continue to grow as a person, recognizing where I am, how I got here, and how I can progress to something better.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may not be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

Sir Winston Churchill